i ache with longing, with an emptiness
for the moments i missed
because of this disease, so here’s
to the moments that have been pulled
from my fingers due to my own
weakness
to every slice of cake i didn’t believe
i earned despite the fact food should never
be considered ‘deserved,’ to every snack
i turned down and every midnight binge
that i cried through, to every bag of popcorn
or carrots or every other safe food i swallowed
eighty four servings of
to every party i was invited to but couldn’t
go because the idea of being around people
made terror rip up my throat, to every
occasion i played sick for because i knew
there would be a crowd, to every class i skipped
because i was too scared to admit i needed more time
to do the homework
to every family meeting that i sat outside of
because i never felt like i belonged in this house,
to every joke that i should have found funny, to
every forced laugh and smile and to every time
i still got out of bed no matter how heavy my
eyelids felt, to every friend i pushed away,
to every evening i could have loved myself
but instead spent hours fighting down the urge
to start bleeding
goodnight to you, and rest well. one day i
am going to get better and i will meet all of you,
i will meet all of you with a light heart
finally swept clean, i will meet every ice cream sundae
with a spoon instead of self-hate, i will be brave in
the face of my anxiety, i will be strong in the face
of my addictions. i will see the sunrise after sleeping,
not because i have yet to go to bed. i will take walks
and feel nature crawl into my bones, i will hush
the voices inside of my head. i will write poetry
and less and less of it will be sad until eventually
i am free, until eventually i can live happy, so
to every unanswered text, to every dinner, to every
road trip, to every missed opportunity:
i am coming. wait for me.
"(via inkskinned)
